Chores at home were not all that difficult after all.

The first couple days of boot camp are not for taking it easy (I have no clue where he got the idea it would be).

I am not as mean as a drill sergeant.

It was good to hear from him.

The first time anyone called me “Mama,” I was in Russia. My children, with their thick accents, were trying to get my attention, but I didn’t even recognize the word as being connected to me. It was all too new. The translator laid her hand on my arm and gently whispered “They are calling you.” Mama. Oh, yes: I am Mama. I wanted to look around for an instruction manual, but there wasn’t time.

I considered telling them the truth: I was an imposter. I did not know the first thing about being a mother. I was still in shock that the judge had not figured this out. Instead, she had smiled, nodded and signed the adoption decrees. If I had faked her out, maybe I could fake the kids out. “Fake it ’til you make it” became my motto.

Nine years and nine kids later, I answer to anything. I find myself mumbling “What, honey?” to any child calling out within a three-aisle range in the grocery store. Odds are, the kid is mine; I’m just covering my bases.

Right now, my youngest is just starting to say a few words. He calls me “Mama,” and I beam. If he follows in the steps of his siblings, he’ll have other names for me soon enough. His brother Max, soon to be 3, calls me Rose whenever he wants to make sure he gets my attention. It works so well when Daddy does it, it must be a good idea.

My oldest son wrote the other day from boot camp. “Hey, Mom,” the letter began. I’ve been HeyMom since he entered the teen years. I once tried not to answer anyone who called me HeyMom, but it didn’t work. I kept forgetting not to answer.

My son’s letter informed me that he had to do pushups for every letter received. I smiled and wrote back right away. Three times.

It is bittersweet to get a letter from a grown-up child. I find myself asking where the time went. How could I possibly have adult children? They must belong to that aging woman I see in the mirror each morning.

Years ago, a family friend called me to complain that her grandson had just turned 50. “How could he be 50? That is so old,” she told me. I may not be as far along as she is, but I understand her point in my own way. They keep growing up.

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for so long. “Breathe, breathe,” they told me when I was in labor. I thought it was advice for just that moment. Turns out, I keep needing to remember to exhale. I hold my breath as I watch a son take a first step. I hold my breath as a daughter crosses the street alone. I hold my breath as a teen learns to drive. Breathe. Breathe.

A good friend watched her son go through a series of surgeries, the first one when he was a few days old. It is an anxiety I do not know. Another friend lost a baby when he was only a few months old. It is a pain I have never felt. Still, we are mothers, we share a common name, a common bond. We are moms.

Of all the things I’ve ever been called — and I best not list all of them here — I am the proudest when I hear my favorite of them all: Mom.

His parents say they never planned to enroll their son in college at age 8, and sought to put him in a private elementary school when he was 6.

“They didn’t want to accept me because I knew more than the teacher there and they said I looked too bored,” the youngster recalls.

His parents home-schooled him instead, but after two years decided college was the best place for him. East L.A. officials agreed to accept him if he enrolled initially in just two classes, math and physical education. After he earned A-pluses in both, he was allowed to expand his studies.

I can’t imagine keeping up with homeschooling a kid who is so incredibly gifted. When I talk about outsourcing the subjects I don’t know, I don’t even think about astrophysics. Yeah, I would need someone else to cover that subject.

Wow. You can read more about Moshe here.

Families claiming that a mercury-based preservative in vaccines triggers autism will challenge mainstream medicine Monday as they take their case to a federal court.

They seek vindication and financial redress from a government fund that helps people injured by shots.

Two 10-year-old boys from Portland, Ore., will serve as test cases that determine whether the children and their families in similar situations should be compensated. Attorneys for the boys will attempt to show the boys were happy, healthy and developing normally. But, after being exposed to vaccines with thimerosal, they began to regress and show symptoms of autism.

The CDC has this to say about autism spectrum disorders (ASDs):

By current standards, ASDs are the second most common serious developmental disability after mental retardation/intellectual impairment, but they are still less common than other conditions that affect children’s development, such as speech and language impairments, learning disabilities, and attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

The CDC estimates that about 1 out of every 150 kids are affected by an autism spectrum disorder. There are many theories to explain the rise in autism. The possibility of a link between thimerosal and autism has been around for a while. 

Thimerosal is out of most vaccines by now, but it is still a part of most flu shots.

I found this video today that profiles a homeschool mom and her two boys.

In contrast, there is this story about a mom who shot her 8-year-old daughter in the leg to win a $1 bet with her boyfriend. He got a real bargain on that bet when the bullet hit the 7-year-old too.

In case you’ve ever wondered if I think everyone should homeschool, NO I don’t.

“But it’s never the case that more money makes you sadder. If you get millions and millions you never get depressed about it.”

And despite the belief that children were the apples of our eyes, they actually had a negative impact on happiness.

The more kids you had, the sadder you were likely to be, Prof Gilbert said.

US and European studies had shown that people’s happiness did spike while they were expecting a baby but sharply plummeted after the child was born.

The low point came when children reached the ages of 12-16, and recovered only when they had flown the coop, he said.

“In reality … children do seem to increase happiness as long as you’re expecting them, but as soon as you have them, trouble sets in,” he said.

Professor Gilbert is later quoted comparing kids to socks. He says we rationalize the trials  of having children and somehow make it sound like we are having the time of our lives.

“When people own Armani socks they can’t stop telling you they are the best socks, the most amazing socks,” he said.

“(But) I suspect that one of the reasons that people who own Armani socks think they are wonderful is because they have paid $85 for a pair.

Using that analogy, I should think I am wildly happy because I’ve spent more than $85 to raise my kids thus far. But maybe it would be a false happiness? Do I know if I’m happy? I thought I was happy, but now maybe I’m not. What about the Duggars? Are they happy? Their 18th child is on the way (vote on a baby name here). They seem happy. I seem happy.  I’m so confused.

I’m confused because in this NY Times article, Professor Gilbert makes the case that, once you have enough money, more cash will not increase happiness proportionately.

Another way I follow what I’ve learned from data is that I don’t chase dollars now that I have enough of them, because I know that it will take a very large amount of money to increase my happiness by a small amount.

You couldn’t pay me $100,000 to miss a play date with my granddaughters.

And that’s not because I’m rich. That’s because I know that a hundred grand won’t make me as happy as nurturing my relationship with my granddaughters will.

Apparently children will not make you happy, but grandchildren will. One of life’s little ironies, isn’t it, can’t get one without the other.

There are trade-offs, of course. There are trade-offs to buying $85 socks, too. I can almost fill up my gas tank for $85. Of course, if I had fancier socks, I might prefer to walk.

Maybe I am deluding myself. I estimate that while writing this post I have been interrupted by the little darlings 28 times. I was chief consultant on french toast making, I had to express sympathy over an owie, there was a diaper to change and there were various other issues which probably could have waited until I was done. So I was frustrated while trying to write about happiness. But for me it balances out because there will be sticky hugs and funny little pictures that say “Mom I love you” with some of the letters written backwards. I can hear my children giggling outside right now. How much is that worth?

I know, I know it is a little sappy, but even on my worst day I would not trade my 9 kids, even for 9 pairs of Armani socks.

I understand that different people have different ideas of happiness. I like to sit on the beach but have no interest in going in the water. Getting in the water would make me miserable. Others love it. I like chocolate. One of my best friends can’t stand it (the perfect friend to have, too, she never gets into my stash!). I don’t need an expert to tell me what it is that makes ME happy. I choose to decide that for myself. Having children might make Professor Gilbert unhappy. It might make a lot of people unhappy. I just can’t seem to agree that having more kids makes a person even unhappier. As a friend likes to remind us, once you are outnumbered, it is really all the same.

I got an email today about this case. Seems like the Mattel company isn’t making enough money, they needed to go after a family-owned business that sells materials that a lot of speech pathologists use. If you know a kid who has ever been in speech therapy (especially school-based), chances are that kid has used a Super Duper Publications. product. We order from them to stock the office. I have no other relationship with them than as a satisfied customer. They didn’t ask me to write this, and I won’t get a thing from them for posting about it.

This is from a Newsire.com post that I read today:

Super Duper, started by Thomas and Sharon Webber 22 years ago in Greenville South Carolina, has provided tens of thousands of autistic and other learning disabled children with helpful educational products. Since 1987, the Webbers have used the words “AND SAY” and “SAY AND” in the titles of their speech and language materials, including workbooks, card decks, and games.

In March, 2004, Mattel opposed a trademark registration the Webbers had filed for use for the name “SORT AND SAY” on a line of special education magnetic games. A year later, Mattel filed to cancel three other Super Duper registered marks , FISH & SAY, FOLD AND SAY, and SEE IT!, SAY IT!.

I have looked through Super Duper catalogs hundreds of times. I have never once thought “Oh, MY! That reminds me of a Mattel product.” I’m just a little fish in a really big pond, but I just can’t see how Super Duper is hurting anyone by naming products–products that are designed to get kids to SAY WORDS–using the word “say.”

Super Duper then filed a lawsuit in federal court, seeking a finding that its 15 SAY trademarks did not infringe on any of Mattel’s trademarks. Mattel responded by claiming Super Duper’s use of these SAY marks on its special education products amounted to trademark infringement and dilution of the Mattel’s SEE ‘N SAY electronic pull toy. Mattel asked the court to prevent Super Duper from publishing any of its materials using the 15 marks, and sought $10 million in damages.

The case was tried last week. At trial, Super Duper showed that, unlike Mattel, it is a direct mail order seller, has no retail outlets, does not compete in the toy industry, and makes only therapy materials for highly trained professionals and parents to use with autistic and other special needs children.

Nevertheless, the trial court, ignoring the usual practice of ruling on complicated trademark issues from the bench, submitted the case to the jury, which found that seven of Super Duper’s marks had infringed upon and diluted Mattel’s mark.  It awarded the $5.6 billion dollar (annual income) toy company $400,000 in damages plus the right to prevent the Webbers from selling any of their educational products named with these marks.

The Webbers insist that none of their marks infringe upon or dilute the Mattel toy trademarks, and that nothing that they have done has hurt Mattel in any way.  This week they will appeal the verdict to the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals and continue to fight for the right to use “AND SAY” on their special education products.

The decision by the appeals court will affect all businesses in general and educational publishers in particular, as it will spell out just how far monster-sized businesses like Mattel can use their limitless resources to try and take away everyday words like SAY from smaller companies and individuals.

I can understand protecting a brand word (you know, name brand words for sodas and tissues and all of that), but SAY?  The logical conclusion to this would be that only mammoth corporations can SAY anything without being sued.

I’m going to go order something from Super Duper. My staff will love me

The column is here or you can just keep reading

Homeschooling the special-needs child

She would have been a stereotypical soccer mom had things come out differently. She would have been the mother who, in between caring for her family and carpooling the neighbor kids, would have organized a bake sale, brought snacks for the team and even helped to coach. Perhaps she would have enjoyed going backstage, painting sets and getting involved in children’s theater.

But that wasn’t the way life turned out. She may never sit on the sidelines yelling herself hoarse while her son slides one past the goalie. She will probably never sit in the front row anxiously mouthing the words to a suddenly shy thespian.

The mother I’m thinking of was blessed with children with special needs.

When the local parents’ group needs a volunteer, she is there. She still organizes fundraisers, but somehow, it seems, the stakes are higher. She drives to appointments, she makes calls to advocate for her children and for others.

And nobody ever hears her ask why. No “why me?” No “why them?” Instead, she welcomes those very people her children go to for help. She supports them, as they support her children.

Such moms exist, and I see them often in my role as a speech pathologist. Parents of special-needs children choose to homeschool, too, and the number of families making that choice seems to be growing.

The Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) guarantees a “free and appropriate education” (FAPE) for all children. This federal mandate has not clearly addressed homeschooled children. How homeschooled children with special needs are treated in regards to provision of a free and appropriate education is a decision that is left up to each state.

In California, homeschooling families typically either file an R-4 affidavit with the California Department of Education to be classified as a private school or enroll in a charter school with a home study component. Special education services are provided by the district of residence for students homeschooling under an R-4 affidavit.

Typically, that means those children are given access to school-based special education services at the same level given to private school students.

Parents often opt to enroll their children in a charter school with an independent home program, and then the charter school is responsible for assessment and service provisions just like any other public school.

Many families find that the homeschool environment makes some special education services redundant. In a traditional school setting, a child’s education plan might call for small group instruction. At home with a parent, the child is getting more individual attention than he would otherwise.

Home education isn’t for everyone, and having a special-needs child can make the task more challenging. Still, the rewards are worth it to many. Homeschooling a child with special needs provides a way to shelter a child, to a certain extent, from bullying and from interacting with kids who pass along negative behaviors. It also allows the parents to tailor a child’s educational experience to capitalize on strengths and intensively target weaknesses.

I can’t think of a more individualized education plan.